Bonding With Your Child Essay, Research Paper
Outline Thesis: Bonding does not refer to mutual affection between a baby and an adult, but to the phenomenon whereby adults become committed by a one-way flow of concern and affection to children for whom they have cared during the first months and years of life. I. The importance of bonding or attachment in an individual’s life. A. Friend acquaintances B. A mother-child attachment 1. The power and importance of such a bond 2. How it paves the way for future attachments II. The elements that are important to a mother-child bond. A. Touch B. Eye-to-Eye contact, voice and entertainment C. Odor among other things III. Bonding as it relates to breastfeeding A. The importance of breastfeeding to the bond development IV. Bonding and the hyperactive child A. The impact of bonding on hyperactivity B. Dealing with hyperactivity 1. Its believed origin V. Bonding and Divorce The problem associated with divorce as it relates to Children and the bond between both parents In each person’s life much of the joy and sorrow revolves around attachments or affectionate relationships — making them, breaking them, preparing for them, and adjusting to their loss by death. Among all of these bonds as a special bond — the type a mother or father forms with his or her newborn infant. Bonding does not refer to mutual affection between a baby and an adult, but to the phenomenon whereby adults become committed by a one-way flow of concern and affection to children for whom they have cared during the first months and years of life. According to J. Robertson in his book A Baby in the Family: Loving and Being loved, individuals may have from three hundred to four hundred acquaintances in there lifetimes, but at any one time there are only a small number of persons to whom they are closely attached. He explains that much of the richness and beauty of life is derived from these close relationships which each person has with a small number of individuals — mother, father, brother, sister, husband, wife, son, daughter, and a small cadre of close friends (Robertson 1). A mothers love is a crude offering, and according to Kennell and Klaus. In heir book Parent-Infant Bonding, there is a possessiveness in it, there’s appetite in it. There is also a “Drat the Kid” element in it, there’s generosity in it, there’s power in it, as well as humility. However sentimentality is outside of it altogether and is repugnant to mothers (Kennell and Klaus 1). Some argue that attachment is one qualitative feature of the emotional tie to the partner. The operationalization of the construct (attachment) to determine the presence or absence has to be done by some measure of the interaction between partners, and Joe Mercer in Mothers’ Responses to their infants with defects says: The mothers either respond to her infants cries with affectionate behaviors and evokes the infants interacting to suggest the infant is a central part of her life, or she does. The infant either shows preferential responses to the mother, responds to her verbal and tactile stimulation, or does not. (Mercer 17). He further goes on to explain that it is easier for the infant to say the tie to the mother is absent, but the psychological complexity of adults make it far more difficult to say a mother has no bond to her infant (Mercer 19). Attachment is crucial to the survival and development of the infant. Kenneth and Klaus points out that the parents bond to their child may be the strongest of all human ties (Kennell and Klaus 3). This relationship has two unique characteristics. First, before birth one individual infant gestates within a part of the mother body and second, after birth she ensures his survival while he is utterly dependent on her and until he becomes a separate individual. According to Mercer, the power of this attachment is so great that it enables the mother and father to make the unusual sacrifices necessary for the care of their infant. Day after day, night after night; changing diapers, attending to cries, protecting the child from danger, and giving feed in the middle of the night despite their desperate need to sleep (Mercer 22). It is important to note that this original parent-infant tie is the major source for all of the infants subsequent attachment and is the formative relationship in the course of which the child develops a sense of himself. Throughout his lifetime the strength and character of this attachment will influence the quality of all future ties to other individuals. The question is asked, “What is the normal process by which a father and mother become attached to a healthy infant?” Well, since the human infant is wholly dependent on his mother or caregiver to meet all his physical and emotional needs the strength and durability of the attachment may well determine whether or not he will survive and develop optimally. Experimental data suggest that the past experiences of the mother are a major determinant in molding her care-giving role. Children use adults, especially loved and powerful adults, as models for their own behavior. Children development literature states that the powerful process of imitation or modeling socially inclines children. Kennell and Klaus explain that unless adults consciously and painstakingly reexamine these learned behaviors, they will unconsciously repeat them when they become parents (Kennell and Klaus 11). Thus the way a woman was raised, which includes the practices of her culture and the individual idiosyncrasies of her own mother’s child raising practices greatly influences her behavior toward her won infant. Bob Brazelton in The Early Mother-Infant Adjustment says that, “It may seem to many that attachment to a small baby will come naturally and to make too much of it could be a mistake… but there are many, many women who have a difficult time making this adjustment…(Brazelton 10). He points out that we must understand the ingredients of attachment in order to help, because each mother-child dyad is unique and has individual needs of it’s own (Brazelton 12). Mercers says that the developing parent attachment is evidenced during pregnancy as both parents fondly pat and rub the fetus through the thinning abdominal wall (Mercer 31). It might be argued that the length of breastfeeding is not a valid assessment of the strength of bond between mother and infant since it is culture bound. According to Violet Oaklander in Windows to our Children, too many variables influence a woman’s decision to continue breastfeeding to make it a valid assessment of bonding. She explains that a woman who discontinues breastfeeding to return to work four weeks after delivery can be just as bonded as a breastfeeding mother who takes a nine-month maternity leave. Similarly, she explains, the initial decision to breastfeed must be continuously used in the assessment of bonding (Oaklander 102). A mother’s decision to breastfeed may be an indication of her willingness to give of herself to her infant, which is characteristic of bonding. However a mother who decides to bottle feed in order to give her infant the best “American start” is giving of herself in an equally healthy, but different way. The parent-infant (father as well as mother) relationship is a continuing process of adaptation to one another’s needs, and parents should be aware that all is not lost if early contact is not possible. However, it should emphasized that it should be the mother’s choice to determine how much time she spends with her infant in the hospital. “When it is possible for parents to be together with their babies, in privacy, for the first hour, and throughout the hospital stay, the most beneficial and supportive environment for the beginning of the bonding process is established”, (Kennell and Klaus 57). According to Oaklander, “A most important behavioral system that serves to bind mother and infant together is the mothers interest in touching her baby” (Oaklander 151). Eye-to-Eye contact serves the purpose of giving a real identity or personification to the baby, as well as getting a rewarding feedback of the mother (Oaklander 45). The mother’s voice is another important element as well as entertainment. Although the infant moves in rhythm to his mother’s voice and thus may be driven to be affected by her. On the other hand, the infant’s movements according to Oaklander, may reward the mother and stimulate her to continue (Oaklander 136). Another important element is odor. Rolland Macfarlene in The Relationship Between Mother ad Neonate, found that by the 5th day of life, breastfeeding infants can discriminate their mother own breast pad from the breast pads from that of other mothers with significant reliability (Macfarlene 63). Brazelton commenting on the bonding process says: The complexity of available systems for the mother to use in making the initial attachment to the baby are obviously a kind of fail-safe system for assuring the newborn of a caring environment. We should be aware of the richness of these and utilize as many as we can as we try to lock a new mother into her baby’s uniqueness (Brazelton 79). According to Claire Berman in her book Adult Children of Divorce Speaks out, parents need to understand that the bonding which will take place in the earlier stages of the infants life is very important in determining the overall type of individual that child will grow up to be (Berman 16). Mark A. Stewart in Raising a Hyperactive Child, says: …There are some homes in which children are raised so permissively or so haphazardly that they are never taught how to listen to someone else. Neither are they taught how to stick to a task, or how to control their impulsive behavior because there never was a great bond created between the child and parents…(Stewart 23). Stewart continues by pointing out that these children will, of course be at a disadvantage when they venture outside the home, to school or to other children’s home or in other situations where they are injected to exert some control over their behavior (Stewart 23). Stewart also stresses the importance of parents teaching their children how to socialize and behave in public. He says, “if there is a bond between the parents and child there will never be a problem when it comes to one parent getting the child to do whats right” (Stewart 24). If a child has been brought up in a very unstructured environment without a reliable pattern to depend on, in a chaotic home atmosphere, he will tend to exhibit some of the traits of hyperactivity. As stated by Stewart there is a widespread but mistaken assumption that behavior determined by inheritance, or by damage to the brain cannot be influences. He believes that a mother’s love is one of the most powerful of all influences when it comes to what the child will be in the future (Stewart 30). In dealing with the problem of disobedience in the child, Stewart goes on to say: The first and most important step in management is, that whatever a mother says, always must be done. For this reason, do not require too much; and on no account allow your child to do at one time, what you have forbidden him to do at another (Stewart 127). Claire Berman explains that it is not only the mother-child bonding that is important, but also the father-mother-child that really counts. She explains that parents need to understand that their bonding should not be dissolve after 2,3,5 or even 10 years, it is something that should last a lifetime and be taken into consideration at every bend along the long and dread pathway of life (Berman 21). According to Susan Meyers in her book Who Will Take the Children? makes it clear that no one factor can be held responsible for shaping the kind of person one becomes or the ways in which an individual tends to look at things (Meyers 30). She further explains that many elements impact upon people’s lives, from the genes we inherit to the families we are born into and the communities in which the child grows up (Meyers 31). As pointed out by Berman, “Divorce is one of the worst things that can happen between parents during the early years of a childs life, not only can divorce break all the bonds which were previously established, but is something that can leave the children with lots of baggage.”(Meyers 30) Berman later points out that when children learn that a vow or bond can be broken (and divorce writes the end to the marital vow), they face life with uncertainty. When they do not receive the nurturing thats needed, they are likely to enter into healthy relationships (Berman 35). Berman states the case of a thirty-four-year-old woman whose parents divorced when she was thirteen. The woman asks, “when your parents betray you and break the bond between them and their child, then who do you trust?” Is it a rhetorical question? She goes on to explain, “for years I had the feeling that everyone was out to get me. It took me a long time to trust anyone.” (Berman 36) Maybe now people (parents) will come to realize that bonding does not only refer to mutual affection between a baby and an adult. But it is the phenomenon whereby adults become committed by a one-way flow of concern and affection for whom they have cared during the first months and years of life. Works Cited Berman, Claire. Adult Children of Divorce Speak Out. New York: Simon and Schuster, 1991. Brazelton, Bob. The Early Mother-Infant Adjustment. Amsterdam: Elsevier Publishing Co. 1973. Kennell, John and Marshall Klaus. Parent-Infant Bonding. Missouri: The C.V. Mosby Company, 1976. Macfarlene, Rolland. The Relationship between Mother & Neonate. New York: Oxford University Press, 1978. Mercer, Joe. Mother’s Response to Their Infants with Defects. New York: Charles B. Slack Inc., 1974. Meyers, Susan. Who Will Take the Children? Indianapolis/New – York: Bobbe-Mervil, 1983. Oaklander, Violet. Windows to our Children. Utah: Real People- Press, 1978. Robertson, J. A Baby in the Family: Loving and being loved. London: Penguin Books, Ltd., 1982. Stewart, Mark A. Raising a Hyperactive Child. London: Harper and Row Publishers, 1973.