How To Be A Typical Tourist Essay, Research Paper
: How to Be a Typical Tourist
Thesis: You, too, can enjoy that relaxed lifestyle by following these few
simple rules on your way to becoming a typical tourist.
1. Dress like a tourist.
A. Wear loud shorts, bright shirts, double-knit slacks, and flip-flop thong
sandals.
B. Choose clip-on, flip-up sunglasses and a florescent colored money
belt.
C. Pack personalized tee-shirts and caps.
II. Buy a camera and take pictures.
A. Quality is unimportant so a cheap camera will do.
B. Don’t bother to focus.
C. Don’t worry about what you subject matter is.
III. Share the experience by bringing home souveniers.
A. You can buy some.
B. You can also collect “free items”
IV. Be tactless.
A. Drive slowly and ignore road signs and traffice patterns.
B. Ask irrelevant questions.
C. Talk loudly and make fun of locals.
D. Go everywhere.
E. Demand typical American food in restaurants.
How to Be a Typical Tourist
From southern Florida’s sunny beaches to the chilly tundra of Alaska, in the outback of
in the outback of Australia or in the bustling streets of Paris, London, Chicago,
Tokyo, and Chicago, tourists are a group of people seemingly unburdened by
the cares of routine life. Perhaps you’ve seen tourists in your own town
and have envied their informal, carefree way of life. You, too, can enjoy
that relaxed lifestyle by following these few simple rules on your way to
becoming a typical tourist.
First, in order to be a true tourist, you must dress like a tourist.
Go ahead; dig out those loud, tacky Fermuda shorts; brightly colored
shirts; double-knit slacks; and flip-flop thong sandals. Add a touch of
class with a pair of clip-on, flip-up sunglasses and the latest rage, a
flourescent-colored money belt. To personaliqe your touring wardrobe,
consider packing tee-shirts or caps that make a proud statement such as
“I visited the History of Mustard Museum at Gofer Point, North Dakota”; I
cooled off in Barrow, Alaska”; or “I hiked the Grand Canyon.” People will
be impressed by these shirts, and you won’t need to tell them about the
helicopter the rangers had to call to haul you back out of the canyon.
Next, if you don’t already own a camera, you will need to purchase one. A camera will become one of the
of the most valuable tools in your glove compartment. After all, do
you really expect your neighbors to believe that you actually saw the
Oscar Meyer Weinermobile on Interstate 55 unless you have a snapshot
to prove it? To be a typical tourist, it is not a requirement that you be an
accomplished photographer, so any cheap camera will serve nicely. In
fact, quality is quite unimportant in tourist photography. don’t bother
to focus; you might miss the moment. Ablurry picture, a thumb in the
foreground, the unidentified hiker in a sunset picture–these and other
“mistakes” will only add to the character of your photo collection.
Just as quality is of little concern, content is also irrelevant. It
doesn’t matter what you take pictures of as long as you can make up a good
story to explain the significance of the photo to the people back home.
In fact, favorite slide presentations of seasoned travelers in my family
have included shots of highway signs, unusual trees, grazing cattle, and
other tourists who shared a treasured moment at a toll road rest area. On
a recent trip, my mother became fascinated with the unusual markings left
on a car by an obviously large bird, and she brought home a photo for the
rest of us to see. Be sure you don’t miss the exceptional photo
opportunities if your vacation involves air travel. You will want to
at least snap three photographs: one at takeoff, one of the clouds while
you are in the air, and one to capture your excitement upon reaching your
destination. It is also typical to catch at least the tip of the plane’s
wing in these shots.
As a typical tourist, you will also find the purchase of souveniers
a valuable means by which to share the joys of your travels with the
homebodies. Bring cousin Ted a seashell flamingo from Florida and watch
his eyes light up. Your kid sister will be overwhelmed by your
thoughtfulness and generosity when you present her with the back scratcher
you bought for $5.95 from the vendor at Niagara Falls. Or you might
think of your favorite uncle and whip out another traveler’s check
to buy the shirt that reads, “My nephew went to Beaver Crossing, Nebraska
and all I got was this crummy tee-shirt”.
However, it is not always necessary to spend a lot of your hard-earned
cash to bring home memories of your travels. Many tourist have found
wonderful use for such “free” items as motel bath towels, ash trays,
stationery, and sundry toiletries. While traveling in Poland, I collected
two of the crusty little buns that appeared with breakfast each morning,
and they now sit on my dresser as more or less permanent mementoes of my
summer in Europe. Colorful rocks, unusually shaped splinters of wood,
and bottles of sand from the ocean all qualify as typical tourist
collectors’ items. No matter what treasure you pack on the return trip,
you will find that most souveniers have two common qualifying factors–they
have little or no monetary value and they are guaranteed to collect dust
back home.
Finally, be sure to leave tact behind as you start out on you journey.
This is essential if you want to fit in with the top-notch typical tour-
ist. Assume that everyone you meet has as much spare time as you do.
Drive slowly, drinking in all the sights. Pay no attention to road signs
and local traffic patterns. Ask a thousand irrelevant questions and make
small talk in the check-out line at the gas station. Talk loudly, joke
obnoxiously, and poke fun at the ‘unusual’ accents and customs of the
locals. Be exceedingly inquisitive and explore everything–abandoned
houses, churches and cathedrals, land beyond the “No Trespassing” signs–
and tell anyone who questions you that you’re from out of town and you’re
just looking for the rest rooms. If you are traveling in a culture
different from your own, restaurants are great places to show your
individuality through unrestrained whining. Before looking at the menu,
ask for common American foods like hamburgers, french fries, or maybe
catfish filets. Whine about having to pay for bottled water with your
meal and mumble comments like, “Taco Bell back home serves their refried
beans with cheese.” Perish the thought that you might explore some new
taste experience in a foreign country.
With these small alterations to your normally polite and dignified
nature, you will be fast on your way to joining the ranks of the typical
tourist.