My Alarm Clock

…. Essay, Research Paper

6:00am. Another day.

?Rise and shine!?

Yeah, right.

Right now its Saturday; its the morning of course and I just remembered that my English teacher expects that I turn in the second portfolio of the year. As I look over at the time, I realize that I now have a topic to write about.

I have read that aspiring writers should write about what they know. That?s easy. All I know right now, indeed everything I?m aware of at this early hour centers around an insidious little device on my night stand. How could I do otherwise?

A disclaimer: I suppose I could easily blame myself for most of what follows, but what would be the fun in that? The secret of life is to bitch and moan about every little thing that bothers you. You?ll die lonely but satisfied that you?ve said your piece.

Anyway, where was I?

Oh yes, that machine next to my pillow. Which shall remain nameless. A few minutes ago I was happily lying unconscious in my bed. Right now I?m groggy and wondering if any local Swedish masseuses make early morning calls. Any method of waking up must be better than the wall of sound that shatters my sleep and makes the first few thoughts of my day creatively violent and unpleasant.

I am not alone in my misery, of course. We all regularly suffer from this self inflicted punishment for some reason. This makes me wonder how mankind ever got along without these machines. Has there always been a compelling reason to get up early? Primitive man rose with the sun to hunt for food and later farmers woke with the roosters to start working a full day on the land. Today we are free from both responsibilities and we usually sleep in dark roosterless rooms. So why can?t we sleep late?

The tendency to get up before the sun rises is not a virtue. I believe the saying should have went, ?Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy…. and boring as hell because he is dead on his feet.?

Manufactures realize that we cannot avoid using one of these annoying contraptions so over the years they have kept themselves amused by creating models in a wide range of shapes and sizes, from ugly plastic boxes with digital readouts and tiny speakers to ugly metallic boxes with rotating hands and loud bells. Contrary to popular belief they are not all designed to be thrown at the nearest wall.

I must add though that my small torture device looks harmless enough. It is small and covered with an oddly appealing wood grain sticker that makes me feel better about owning such a thing. The evil nature of the device is only apparent upon closer examination where one discovers the two settings featured daily for my enjoyment: ?Music? and something called a ?Buzzer.?

Take it from me, expect the worst if you own a similar machine and you foolishly decide to set the lever to ?music.? The next morning you may find yourself unable to get up or even roll over while listening to two or three Top 40 disc jockeys with names like ?MC Mike? or ?Radio Man.? That?s the leading cause of self induced pillow smothering deaths. Or you may find yourself during your day with a song in your head that keeps repeating itself and you have no clue as to when or how it got into your head. You might not even remember ever listening to the song at all. This could be a serious health risk as to it may start a mild case of insanity.

Now as bad as it sounds, it cannot compare to the agony of the ?buzzer? setting. The name ?buzzer? is actually a misnomer; it should really be labeled ?fry synapses.? This innocent looking piece of hardware is capable of stunning bystanders into unconsciousness at 100 feet. I failed to notice that this was actually written on the outside of the box until after I bought it. Attempting to sleep anywhere within earshot is just asking for an instant lobotomy.

Thats is not my favorite way to wake up in the morning. Somehow I eventually manage to put an end to both types of shock therapy but a steady diet of smashing fists can?t be too healthy for the machine or the unfortunate button labeled ?snooze.?